


It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Plot!

by Mansion



Category: The Thrilling Adventure Hour
Genre: Episode Style, Gen, Screenplay/Script Format, teaming up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-15
Updated: 2013-11-15
Packaged: 2018-01-01 14:52:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1045222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mansion/pseuds/Mansion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When The Stark Raving Gentleman threatens Apex City's very sanity, Captain Laserbeam must team up with Phillip Fathom to curtail the crazy chemical concoctions that maddest of hatters is about to unleash into the water supply.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Plot!

**Author's Note:**

> A few notes on casting: Adventurekateer Patrick is the husky kid played by Craig Cackowski and Adventurekateer Dana is played by Annie Savage, just in case you need the right voices in your head.
> 
> Also, I've cast Paul F. Tompkins's characterization of Lord Andrew Lord Webber as The Stark Raving Gentleman. I can do that if I want! It's my fanfic! Muahahaha!

 

HEROIC HAL V.O.

Greetings, Junior Adventurekateers, and welcome to legendary Apex City, home of that high-flying scion of science, Captain Laserbeam! We join our hero giving back to the community at the local Learning Annex.

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

Welcome to Basic Cooking, class! I know the first three were cancelled due to supervillianous intervention, but let’s get started. You, with the question?

CITIZEN

Um, Captain Laserbeam? Why are you teaching this class?

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

To share a life-long love of cooking, of course.

CITIZEN

But isn't there something else you should be doing with your superpowers and stuff?

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

Volunteering is a super big help! While I may stop crime once it's begun, who knows how much crime the simple act of volunteering in your community prevents? Probably a lot!

CITIZEN

But it doesn't seem like the most effective use--

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

Look, do you want to learn how to make empanadas or not?

CITIZEN

( _Sullenly_ ) ...I wanna learn how to make empanadas.

(SFX: ADVENTUREKATEER DISTRESS CALL)

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

Wait--The Adventurekateer Distress Call? Operating on a frequency only I can hear? Thanks, Laser Hearing!

CITIZEN

Really?

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

Don't even start. ( _To the rest of the class_ ) Sorry, would-be foodies, but if the Adventurekateer Distress Call has been activated, that means serious trouble's brewing in Apex City. Maybe next week? So long, and away!

(SFX: TAKING OFF)

CITIZEN

Aw, man, this class is a total ripoff.

HEROIC HAL V.O.

Captain Laserbeam flies faster than a thousand hummingbirds to the Adventurekateer Clubhouse!

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

No malice escapes their sight, no crime escapes their ears--They hear, they see, they report to me: Captain Laserbeam's Adventurekateers!

DANA & PATRICK

( _In unison_ ) Captain Laserbeam!

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

Just what evil lurks, my young chums? Is Opposite Dave out implementing a pernicious polarizing plot upon our fair city?

DANA

Worse!

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

Is The Penguinator attempting to filch the flight from our fair city's fowl?

PATRICK

Worse, Captain Laserbeam!

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

Don't tell me Agony Aunt is out spreading both excruciating pain and the wearing of gaudy oversized turquoise and silver jewelry!

DANA

Worse!!

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

What could be worse than that, Dana?

DANA

The Stark Raving Gentleman has escaped from the Incarcer-atarium and he's probably going to hatch another literally crazy scheme to turn the whole city as nuts as he is!

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

Leaping Laserbeams! How did you find out?

PATRICK

( _Almost audibly shrugging as he speaks_ ) The ACPD put out an APB. I was monitoring the scanner. He was last seen heading toward the warehouse district.

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

Oh. Well heard, then, Patrick!

DANA

The Stark Raving Gentleman is your eighth most dangerous foe according to the Adventurekateer database! Maybe you should team up with someone.

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

That's not a bad idea...

PATRICK

What about Phillip Fathom, Deep Sea Detective?

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

But the Stark Raving Gentleman isn't even remotely an aquatic-type villain, Patrick.

PATRICK

I just thought 'cause you and Phillip Fathom have been teaming up a lot lately and--

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

( _Defensively, stepping on PATRICK's line_ ) To fight crime!

PATRICK

That's what I meant. What are you talking about, Captain Laserbeam?

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

Er, nothing. Nevermind. It's a long way from Aquapolis, anyway.

DANA

Actually, I got a text from Starlee, y'know, my second cousin who's an Investagateen? Phillip Fathom is chasing another crime ring run by the Neptune's Angels in Apex City Harbor. He's in town!

PATRICK

That's what I was gonna say earlier. I didn't start being an Adventurekateer yesterday, y'know, Captain Laserbeam.

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

( _Basically ignoring PATRICK_ ) Well, it probably wouldn't hurt to call, right? I'll just get on the Hero Line...

(SFX: BEEPING OF A TOUCH-TONE DIAL)

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

( _Casual to the point of failing entirely to be casual_ ) Oh, hey, Phillip Fathom, listen, I--hmm... Uh-huh, tendrils of the deep, yeah... Look, I heard you're in town and the Stark--Of course you already know. Well, were you even going to call me? No, it's not about jurisdiction, I just--

( _CAPTAIN LASERBEAM stops talking, having clearly just been hung up on_ )

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

( _To himself_ ) How can he manage to audibly disappear?

DANA

Well? Are you teaming up with Phillip Fathom, Deep Sea Detective? Or maybe it's time the Adventurekateers got in on the action! I just achieved yellow belt in my karate class!

PATRICK

Geez, take it down a notch, Dana. What's that even gonna do against a supervillain? Especially one known for being, like, the most insane.

DANA

Cutting everybody down all the time doesn't make you cool, Patrick. You think it does but it doesn't.

PATRICK

I'm just being realistic.

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

Now, kids, stop bickering. Phillip Fathom will be here in a minute or so, probably, so you two will be with me in spirit, and spirit is--

DANA AND PATRICK

( _Singsong_ ) Stronger than one hundred lasers.

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

( _Irked_ ) And also I have my one hundred lasers.

( _A few seconds pass. Throats are cleared_.)

PATRICK

Phillip Fathom seems kind of difficult to work with, Captain Laserbeam.

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

Actually, once you get to know him,  he's... Well, pretty much exactly what he seems like, but you get used to it.

DANA

Whoa, the lights just went out!

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

( _Sotto voce_ ) Like this. Totally used to this now.

(SFX: PHILIP FATHOM's THEME MUSIC BEGINS)

PHILLIP FATHOM

I am the lightless depths of the wine-dark seas. I am the flicker of bioluminescence right before the long teeth of justice snap closed around the wicked. Like the floating island of plastic in the belly of the Pacific, crime is both unsinkable and toxic, and it's up to me to clean up these mean seas.

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

We're actually going to the warehouse district.

PHILLIP FATHOM

IT WAS A METAPHOR!!

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

Right. Good to see you again, Phillip Fathom. These are my Adventurekateers, Patrick and Dana.

DANA

Hi.

PATRICK

Whatsup.

PHILLIP FATHOM

You... You're Starlee's second cousin. Paternal side. Through marriage.

DANA

She told you?

PHILLIP FATHOM

She didn't need to. And you...

( _PHILIP FATHOM stares at PATRICK for several long seconds_ )

PHILLIP FATHOM

( _Whispering even more than usual_ ) You could be the most dangerous one of all...

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

What, Patrick? That's... Huh. Anyway. We should be off. So long, and away!!

HEROIC HAL V.O.

Meanwhile, in an abandoned warehouse in the Apex City Warehouse District...

( _Scene opens on THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN mid-rant to his henchman TYLER. THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN speaks in a precise, flowery manner, occasionally breaking into wild bouts of yelling. Of_ course _he is wearing a top hat._ )

THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN

And after I release the contents of these tanks, I shall proceed to make the entire city my very own MAD MANSION.

TYLER

( _Kinda not into it_ ) Hmm? Oh, like mad house, but fancier. Yah, I see whatcha did there.

THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN

My dear Mr. Foxworthy, I sense your mistrust of me and while I absolutely conceed another man's right to his opinion, it is also DRIVING ME CRAZY AND MAKES ME DESIRE NOTHING LESS THAN YOUR UTTER DESTRUCTION!!

TYLER

I mean, it's a little one-note, don'tcha think? It's like, my first ever henching job was for you and it was pretty much the same plan as this.

THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN

Ah, begging your pardon, but haven't you ever heard that very definition of insanity is committing the same deed repeatedly and expecting it to bear different results?

TYLER

Well, yah, everyone has. But it doesn't, is the thing.

THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN

I present this to you for your consideration: A supervillain cannot help his or her predilections and criminal obsessions. They are a part of the villain, but what truly makes one super is to accept one's flaws as part of the unique whole.

TYLER

Aww, that's kinda beautiful, boss.

THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN

Isn't it, though? I learned that in group therapy in the Incarce-atarium.

TYLER

I heard they have a pretty good counselling program. Obviously not quite good enough, though.

THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, PEON?!

(SFX: THE PARTICULAR CRASH OF BREAKING THROUGH A WALL)

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

When crime appears upon the scene, so does Captain Laserbeam--And Phillip Fathom!

THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN AND TYLER

( _In unison_ ) CAPTAIN  LASERBEAM AND PHILIP FATHOM, DEEP SEA DETECTIVE!!

TYLER

So, uh, you two teaming up again, huh?

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

( _Pinching the bridge of his nose_ ) I do not need this from you right now, Tyler.

TYLER

I ain't judging or nothin'. Whatever makes ya happy, I always say.

THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN

AH-HEM. It appears you gentlemen have discovered me, but I have naught to offer you but a front seat for this city’s demise. For in these many tanks around this ware-ing house is a psychotropic chemical which I shall release into the city’s water supply. You shan’t be able to help it! WE’LL ALL BE MAD DOWN HERE!

PHILLIP FATHOM

( _In that one middle tone he has where he’s kind of growling really loud but not quite yelling_ ) You monster! All that innocent aquatic life! And even the guilty aquatic life! It’ll be a genocide!

THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN

In my defence, I am literally a madman. Mr. Foxworthy, do be a dear and activate the death trap you so kindly prepared earlier!

TYLER

Sure thing, boss!

(SFX: A CLICK, FOLLOWED BY A SLOW, OSCILLATING BUZZ)

THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN

Behold, if you will! My glorious deathtrap: The Raving Radiator! IT SHALL MADDEN YOUR MINDS AS MUCH AS MINE! MUAHAHAHAHAH!!

(SFX: ZAPPING NOISE)

THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN

Thank you for beholding. So kind of you.

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

Nyyyyyargh! Brain... maddened by this maddening ray...

PHILLIP FATHOM

A fog... darker than the depths of...

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

...Can't fight it...

PHILLIP FATHOM

...But... I MUST!!

( _SFX: The wistful music that accompanies the memories of heroic helpers kicks in. Memories of Adventurekateers and Investigateens overlap slightly as both CAPTAIN LASERBEAM and PHILIP FATHOM draw upon them for strength_ )

GHOSTLY DANA V.O.

_A yellow belt in karate... karate... karate..._

GHOSTLY INVESTIGATEEN #1 V.O.

(A chipper young gal) _They're headed out to Apex City... Apex City... Apex City..._

GHOSTLY PATRICK V.O.

_Take it down a notch... a notch... a notch..._

GHOSTLY INVESTIGATEEN #2 V.O.

(Sounding traumatized) _So much fish food… fish food… fish food..._

(SFX: THE MUSIC IS ABRUPTLY CUT SHORT BY AN EXPLOSION)

THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN

My Raving Radiator, destroyed by willpower-based feedback, and inordinately quickly! EVEN MORE IMPOSSIBLE THAN USUAL!

PHILLIP FATHOM

Nothing's impossible to Phillip Fathom--except giving up on justice.

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

What he said!

PHILLIP FATHOM

Hmph.

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

_What?_

TYLER

Wow, double willpower-based feedback. Never seen that before. And I had those madness settings up real high! ( _Realizes what's about to happen_ ) Uh... Uh-oh...

(SFX: SOUNDS OF A FIGHT OVERLAYING THE NEXT FEW SECONDS)

PHILLIP FATHOM

Fisherang!

(SFX: CLANG!)

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

Freeze Laser!

(SFX: CRACKLE OF ICE)

TYLER

Aw, man, Freeze Lasered again! I tell ya, if doin' the same thing and expecting different results means you're nuts, I might be crazier than you, Stark Raving Gentleman.

THE STARK RAVING GENTLEMAN

HOW DARE YOU!!

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

( _Into communicator_ ) Captain Laserbeam to the Apex City PD. I've got a couple of cuckoos ready for the loony bin! Actually, just one. You can send Tyler to regular jail. He knows what he's doing.

PHILLIP FATHOM

None of these tanks have released any of their despicable contents into the water supply,  Laserbeam. Your city's safe... For now.

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM

Thanks, Phillip Fathom! And great work on the... ( _Trails off_ ) And now I'm talking to myself again. That guy...

HEROIC HAL V.O.

And that's another vile villain vanquished by the terrific team-up of the light-amplified adventurer Captain Laserbeam and the semi-amphibious knight Phillip Fathom, Deep Sea Detective! Until next time, sayonara, solid citizens!

**Author's Note:**

> I did so much research for this fic! I listened to every CL episode at least 3 times and ended up writing a good chunk of the Thrilling Adventure hour fan wiki section on Captain Laserbeam. Go ahead, ask me ANY DANG THING ABOUT CAPTAIN LASERBEAM.
> 
> Special thanks to Annakie and chedsy22 for betaing and noticing my misspellings, and being fantastic fandom pals. 
> 
> And other special thanks to Hal Lublin for being a real nice guy on Twitter and encouraging me when I mentioned I was writing fic about his character. Is this the best fandom ever or what?
> 
> (It is.)


End file.
